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Good J.O.B.?

October 21, 2011

This is my own personal critique of Jamie O’s post France Power Rankings. And who am I to critique J.O.B.? I am the everyman. I am webcast land. I am the truly independent observer. I am everyone and no-one.  (In truth it’s on the fucking internet so opinion belongs to all of us.)  J.O.B. might (definitely) surf better than me but I can watch a webcast just as well as he can.

So without further ado, here is J.O.B.s Top 10, in my words. I welcome you to expound your own opinions and I embrace both praise and vitriol as equals.

 No. 1 – Kelly

I’m fairly ok with this assessment of Kelly, with the exception of the references to “containment”, “safety” and “not at full throttle”. Are you fricking kidding me? How much harder do you want him to push? Did you sleep through his destruction of the field at Teahupo’o/NY/Trestles? Kelly is consistently busting out air attempts that could lead to serious injury/board breakages whether he has someone comboed or is in combo-land himself. (Admittedly I can’t remember the last time I saw him in the latter situation, but he has definitely been behind in recent heats.) I know Kelly is good, but do you really believe that he is surfing within himself in all these comps and still winning? Get real. It is precisely his ability and willingness to push it when his back is against the wall that gets him so many last gasp wins. Was he “not at full throttle” in the semi and final of Trestles, or did you miss that one because you didn’t have to write about it? As for how he feels about the mid-year cut, I don’t know Kelly, but I’d bank on the fact that he flipping loves it. Kelly loves surfing, Kelly loves the Tour. The Cut has made the Tour infinitely more watchable and I’m sure Kelly enjoys both the challenge of surfing against Medina et al and the excitement of watching them blow up and increase the interest in the new SuperTour that he will one day preside over. Boom.

 No. 2 – Owen

Are you an Owen hater? Yes. You just hate professionals. What is the problem with being professional, getting advice, looking after yourself and thinking about your surfing? Look at what it did for Mick. Look at the most analytical and professional surfer of them all – you think Slater just goes out without a plan and lets fate take it’s course? FFS, man – this is the PRO Tour. These guys should be athletes and there is nothing wrong with acting or training accordingly. Owen is developing into a sinister heat winning machine, yes, but what’s wrong with that? Part of the beauty of the CT is that it will always be a group of diverse individuals. Surfing is a colourful sport and we need our Owens to counterbalance our Danes. If you want to stay up all night blasting bongs and shots and then rock up and “be the water”, man, then fine. Allow Owen his early nights analysing the heat replays before he goes out and burns through heats in a muesli and banana fuelled blitz.

 No. 3 – Jordy

Give the big man a break eh? He’s just back from an injury and was probably doing too much romancing when should have been resting. Honestly, two events out and you seem to have forgotten just how dangerous the big Saffa was looking at the start of the season! I’m a Jordy convert and I like his new-found professionalism (ya, ya, I know – be like the water. Brah.) The big yin has it all, he’s an impressive package. Of tricks. I don’t think he is lazy in terms of progression, he’s just becoming more clinical. And he knows there’s a Superman up his sleeve if he needs it. As for all this talk of re-qualification – where the flip did that come from? Jordy is only 23, home-boy! And he’s going no-where but double-grab claiming up! He definitely has a title in his locker.

 No.4 – Parko

Well, well, weren’t you on the money with your opening prediction of Joel’s Portuguese response. What happened to your crystal ball after you wrote this? Did you crush it up and try to smoke it? What exactly is the point you are trying to make about Joel anyway – is he the greatest surfer in the world, or is he out of touch? And what about this chat about being “marketable” and being a “brand”? What’s that all about? Since when was Joel’s marketing getting in the way of a World Title? And what’s with all these questions that will probably never be answered? I’m afraid that Joel doesn’t want to change. His post-heat interview after Round 4 of Trestles gave us some insight to that. I don’t think he will ever sacrifice style for sketchy ariels. And why should he when his surfing is so beautiful as you quite rightly point out. Joel likes to be in control – both in heats and on the wave – and when he is he is devastating, but I’m not sure he has the will to re-model a style that is honed from a perfection that so many of us aspire to. Joel’s title was three years ago and he bottled it. The game has changed now and he won’t.

 No. 5 – Julian

Julian is fast becoming a contest machine, and you hate machines, don’t you? Beep beep boink beep bing. That’s the sound of Contest Julian taking over. He’ll be like Mick and Eugene. We’ll have Julian at contests and he’ll keep J-Dub locked away in a basement with a tennis ball rammed in his mouth. Did you see him berating the judges at Trestles? I couldn’t hear what he was saying over the webcast but it doesn’t matter because it was probably all in binary anyway. Oh, and one more thing J-me-O – “he’ll be unbeatable like Medina” – exsqueeze me, baking powder? Medina wins one CT and now he’s unbeatable? Keep smoking that crystal ball.

 No. 6 – Travis

I’m with ya on this one. Wee Travis blew me away in Peniche last year, what a bundle of rail-committing, lip-smacking fun he was. He’s really taken his second chance at the Tour and run with it, and fair play to him. I also agree with you (gasp) about the Taj heat – Logie was stitched up like De Souza’s bald voodoo doll in that one.

 No. 7 – Taj

Ah Taj. I love Taj…my gran loves Taj…everyone loves Taj. Just give him a World Title for being such a throughly bloody nice bloke. Taj went on a tear at the end of 09/beginning of 10. He went on such a streak that it looked as if he might have finally cracked the contest thing. Unfortunately I can’t help feeling that he’ll always fold in the clutch, particularly if there’s a certain follicularly (Yeah I made that word up. So what? Boom.) challenged gentleman involved.

 No. 8 – Medina

The future? The saviour? The Messiah? The Ark Angel Gabriel? He does make it cool to support Brazzos. I’m super impressed with how he blitzed his way through the field in France with careless abandon and complete disregard for his elders. He’s used to winning and he’s definitely used to spinning his way to victory in the beach breaks of Europe this year. Let’s not get carried away though, he was over-scored with that 10 in the Semi against Taylor (a sub-conscious judging vindication of the mid-year cut) and while he is undeniably exciting, it’s far too soon to be calling him “unbeatable” (Jamie O’Brien). You love a bit of “Gabes” babes though, don’t you, Jamie? I too can admire his dexterity and recklessly calculated approach to ariels, but at the expense of style? Both of you deserve a firm slap on the wrist.

 No. 9 – The Spartan

Agreed – absolute beast, there’s no doubt about that. But why laud someone for being an old-school power surfer when you’ve been slating everyone else for not being progressive or having an “air game”? I love seeing Bourez gouge his way through waves as well but I’m not sure I can recall ever seeing him do even the most basic air. Ever. Apologies Mr Spartan if I am wrong. I certainly won’t ever be criticising you to your face and find it far more agreeable to cower behind the interweb. Thankyou please.

No. 1o – J-Flo

So, Jezza did wonders for himself in Teahupo’o huh? Apparently all it takes to transform your public profile from Mr-Boring-Competition-Surfer-stuck-in-the-90s to Mr Hard Charger is to go nuts at the heaviest wave on tour in one of the heaviest competitions ever. Well, that, and try to drown some Aussie drongo in public with your big, mad mate Sunny. I think J-Flo has made enough videos for now, don’t you?

25 Comments leave one →
  1. October 21, 2011 01:06

    you suck man

    we don’t need “Owens to counterbalance our Danes’ we need Danes to fuck our Owens

    you suck man, have I already said that?

    • October 21, 2011 01:19

      Why thankyou for your highly nuanced and educated comment. Your opinion is welcome, but I would rather not watch a tour where they are fucking each other. I’m sure you can find that somewhere on the Internet though. Good luck.

  2. October 21, 2011 01:57

    I liked your opinion about pro surfers being allowed to be pro surfers, I think that it is good for competition surfing. It seems the Micks, Owens and Julians will dominate the tour, with the Danes living a pretty chilled life of free surfing and beer. If they can all make money doing it, then I reckon, good on them!

    I didn’t like your prediction of Parko missing his chance at a title, but i fear it may be true.

    I also don’t think you’re going to make a lot of Twitter enemies by bashing JOB haha.. good luck with it all! At least it will make for some interesting conversation!

    • October 21, 2011 08:10

      Thanks dude, I appreciate it. And I’m not really bashing J.O.B., he just publicised it so much that I felt I should be allowed to retort.

  3. Steve Shearer permalink
    October 21, 2011 02:20

    Your blog title sucks Donkey balls but your calls were worthy .

    Twas entertaining read but it’s aerials not ariels.

    Underestimating Owens’ progressive repertoire has become a new orthodoxy.

    he thrashed Dane/Slater twice in ’09 as a wildcard with some of the most progressive surfing seen in heats.

    • October 21, 2011 08:14

      Au contraire, it’s a great title! But thanks for the spelling heads up, I’m a stickler for that sort of thing myself so it’s disappointing that it slipped through the net!

      • October 21, 2011 09:00

        I like the title too. Indeed great. It does make me think more about written lines than those lines shown on the picture though.

        And Owen can be progressive and an awesome surfer. But he’s fucking boring to watch.

        And, are you sure I can find? Because I’ve looked around and all I could find was regular porn, nothing related to a tour. Seems there’s something out there I’m missing, please send me the link.

      • October 21, 2011 10:14

        Stop being such a bandwagon Owen hater. It is inaccurate to describe his surfing as “boring”. Do you really believe that?

        And maybe you should get on photoshop and customise your own stuff!

  4. Steve Shearer permalink
    October 21, 2011 02:28

    “Julian is fast becoming a contest machine, ”


    Julian is starting to win heats because he is bringing his high performance repertoire into heats.

    For fucks sake, he is doing back-side varials (with height) as opening manouvres.

    Are u even watching him surf??????

    • October 21, 2011 08:05

      Yeah, I am. And I do agree with you about the progression (I’m starting to hate that word) but I think what I meant is that he is showing machine-like desire to win. (can machines desire?!) 🙂

    • October 21, 2011 09:29

      If you stop to think that the tour now demands air moves. You’ll see that the metaphor does fit. He is doing what the tour is asking him to do, all the surfers are doing by the way. They are all air machines now. Watching a pro surf a wave without going for an air now a days is very rare. And how boring is this becoming? How boring were those airs in Portugal and all the crap the webcast was feeding us? For fuck’s sake! A surfer gets a huge barrel fucking awesome gets spitted out of it and DONE! Who that fuck cares about a lame air after a deep barrel?

      • October 21, 2011 10:17

        Agree on many points here. There is room for different brands of surfing but some airs are becoming too predictable and standard. There should also be a limit to what is classed as progression. Check out my ‘Progress?’ post

  5. Steve Shearer permalink
    October 21, 2011 08:18

    It’s a bad metaphor Jamie.

    Machines have no capacity for free thought or creativity…….J-Dub is showing the exact opposite in heats.

    In fact, it is he and not Funky Cold who is the Dane replacement.


    Unlike Medina, Julian has a full power bottom turn top turn carve combo, as well as the tricks.

    • October 21, 2011 08:40

      I think Julian’s surfing probably flatters to deceive just how regimented and prepared he is when it comes to competition

  6. Steve Shearer permalink
    October 21, 2011 09:37

    So what part of Scotland u in Jamie?

    • October 21, 2011 10:18

      Scotland is a small but beautiful and varied country. I am everywhere I need to be.

  7. October 21, 2011 10:59

    I’m not an Owen hater Jamie, it is just my opinion about his surfing. I take it as boring. No biggie.

    I’ll take a look at the mentioned post.

  8. Steve Shearer permalink
    October 22, 2011 04:18

    Always been interested in Scotland due to ancestry.

    Any surf at the moment.?

    • October 22, 2011 09:52

      I live in the NW Highlands but I travel around a lot, especially for surf. The North coast has had some really good days in the past couple of weeks. Nice southerly winds too. There is swell at the moment but it’s also bloody windy! Officially now the windiest place in Europe, apparently.

  9. Steve Shearer permalink
    October 23, 2011 00:42

    Sweet, u familiar with George Mackay Brown?

    • October 23, 2011 01:04

      I most certainly am, he’s one of my favourite writers. My dad was a fisherman and the sea is obviously a big part of my life – how could I not love GMB? 🙂 The Orkneys, where he was from, have some phenomenal and relatively unexplored surf potential.

  10. Steve Shearer permalink
    October 23, 2011 01:31

    Thats what I was figuring to.

    That water is warmed a bit by the Gulf Stream is it not?

    • October 23, 2011 01:34

      Not up there, no. It is round the West coast though. The place we surf near my parents house is positively balmy year round in comparison to north and east!

  11. Jerry K permalink
    October 26, 2011 22:53

    Another pice of shit article by an anonymous loser.
    Who writes this crap?

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